Sunday, August 15, 2010


I was scanning facebook and a friend of the family (Reed Gunnell) had posted this. I was moved to tears and was very touched and wanted to share it. There are SO many times when we are lifted up by not only our Heavenly Father, but those around us that love us. It's something that I needed to be reminded of.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I guess some of us are meant to work!

As a small child when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up it was always the same answer "a plain old mom". That never really changed. I went to college to get married (obviously a poor mind set) and when my marriage to Mike was not successful, I found myself back in college getting a teaching degree so that I could support myself and my kids. However, I was deeply remorseful that I was not going to be at home to be a plain old mom and felt like I was robbing my children of what they needed most - me. There was a A LOT of guilt while I was in school full time just thinking about working, which led to poor decision number 2. I married Casey, in part so that I would be able to stay home with my kids. Bad idea.

Anyway, here I am, 37 years old and last year, after my divorce from Casey in 2008, I went back to work. I was really angry that I was in this position and had to leave my girls to fend for themselves each morning and get themselves off to school. I cried daily for weeks each time I dropped Sammy off at the babysitter and the guilt was overwhelming. It almost killed me.

However, I soon realized that the girls were doing just fine in the mornings getting themselves up and ready, and that Sammy was having fun each day playing with his little friends. I started to let some of the guilt go and by mid-year, had realized that this was my life. I could go through it punishing myself with guilt each day, or I could accept what was my life and be grateful that I was able to work and support my children and that I had kids that were so responsible and a good babysitter for Sammy. I realized that teaching was no longer a transitory position where I was just waiting for marriage to come along again, but it was now a career for me. My teaching changed and my attitude about being a working mom changed.

By the end of the year, however, I was ready for summer and ready to be at home with my kids. That is no longer the case I'm sorry to say! I CAN'T wait to go back to work next Monday. I LOVE the structure that it provides in my life and realize that rather than just surviving each day with my kids as I have done this summer, when I work, I LOVE being with my kids when I get home and look forward to just sitting down with them at the dinner table to enjoy their company and hear about their day. I eat better, I sleep better, I take better care of myself and my kids, and I am happier when I am actually with my kids.

I'm sure that most stay at home moms aren't like me, and probably enjoy their kids most of the time, but I guess I'm not one of them and need that time away from them each day to really love being with them each evening. I love going to work and feeling like I am part of society and maybe, just maybe, helping some of the kids I teach. I enjoy the challenge of trying to be a better teacher and get those kids to want to learn. I don't love getting up before the sun, but you know what, there are a lot worse things.

So the guilt of having to leave my kids each morning has completely gone. Now I just feel guilty that I have accepted that I am a better mom when I go to work!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

No more Mr. Nice Guy

Do you ever get the feeling that you just want to grab your hair and rip it out because your kids just won't keep their rooms clean, and it trickles out into the hallway and the towels that you just washed are found lying on the bathroom floor in a puddle of water and foot long hairs? I am SO done just ignoring it and asking nicely. I am SO sick of walking upstairs to put Sammy to bed in his extremely tidy and perfectly clean bedroom and having to step over crap. There is just crap everywhere and I am SO SO SO sick of it!!!!

Anyone who really knows me knows that I spend a considerable amount of time and money decorating my home. Because I have so little money I have to be very creative and work a lot harder than I would if I just could go out and buy things or have them done. But, the last two weeks, I put my creativity to work and Katy and Jane have amazing rooms, minus drapes since they are totally out of my budget at this point! I'm not kidding when I say that other than milk and bread, I didn't buy food so that I could buy paint. Pathetic!

YOu would think that they would take care of it, knowing how much time was invested and the sacrifice involved on my part financially - WRONG! They don't care. I think that they actually think that they are entitled to a beautiful home because it's all I have ever given them. Their rooms have always looked like they could be from a Pottery Barn catalogue and they think that that is the expectation. They think that everyone's dresser is bursting with clothes and I'm tired of. I'm tired of giving them so much and them not taking care of it. All I have asked them for this week is to clean their room and do their simple chores. Do you think that they have done that? Ok, Jane has done a number of her chores, but mediocre at best! Katy, nothing, and the room that I so tirelessly worked on last week, you can't even see the floor.

So, this weekend when they are off at their dad's and leave their rooms a mess, like they do daily, I will go in and take everything that isn't put away. If their bed isn't made perfectly the way I make it, the bedding is gone. If their shoes aren't strait in their closet, they are gone. If clothes are not put away neatly (folded), I'm taking them. I'm taking everything that they don't seem to care about. If they cared, they would put it all away and take care of it right? I'm tired of feeling like I sacrifice to give them beauty and comfort and nice clothes and have it all thrown in my face when I ask them to just take care of it. I'm done being Mr. Nice Guy and just turning a blind eye saying that if they want to live in a pig sty that's their problem. It isn't their problem, it's mine when I have to go and buy them new clothes cause the ones they have are thrashed. It's my problem when I spend hours and hours and what little money I have to decorate their rooms, and then can't even see them. It's my problem when the bathroom begins to smell like rotten clothes and water and when the hallway has more garbage in it then carpet!

This is my problem and I'm fixing it come Saturday. I would do it today, and maybe I will, but I don't want them to see it coming. I'll take a picture of everything that I take away from them and post it!